This Week. Yikes.

Sometimes, they REALLY suck.

It has been a long, long week. I am emotionally drained but still smiling. ;) Trying, at least. Instead of actually thinking and writing for myself, I will let these quotes speak for me...

These are all good representations of different thoughts and feelings I've had this week. Yikes. At least this week is over. Life can try to ruin me again next week... I say, "BRING IT! I can take it. Booyah!"

Vacation: Miserable and Fun?

I have been thinking about this lately:

I recently lost someone I considered a best friend. I lost him to apathy, the definition being: lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern. Synonyms: indifference, unconcern, listlessness. It sucks.

I went up to the Berg, a couple weeks ago, to visit all my friends that I haven’t seen in eons. I was in desperate need of a vacation and wanted to be around the people that I loved and missed. It didn’t turn out how I expected at all. Can something make you miserable but be absolutely perfect at the same time? I would not go back and change anything that happened. I learned so much. Since I am so fond of lists, I shall make one:

Things I Learned In the Berg

1.       I have a love/hate relationship with flying

2.       Danielle is an excellent travel companion

3.       There are still wonderful people who will drive half an hour to the airport to pick you up even though he has never met you

4.       Jasmyne is an excellent hostess

5.       It really, really hurts to have someone look at you in horror, even if you never did anything to deserve that look and have been looking forward to making them squirm for months

6.       You find out who actually cares when you run into people who didn’t expect to see you

7.       No matter how excited you are to surprise someone, see them, and give them a hug… when they aren’t excited to see you, it will leave you speechless. You will feel blind sighted for the rest of the weekend and wonder why you wasted so much time staying friends with the idiot boy

8.    Something wonderful can be staring you in the face but you won’t realize it until you’re sitting on the airplane flying home… then it will hit you like a train… and you will wonder why you’ve been so blind

9.       Idaho is a cold place

10.   People will always surprise you

That weekend was devoted to putting the past behind me. I was definitely able to do that. I had to put more people back there than I planned, though. It hurt. It was hard. It was exactly what I needed.

I am ready to go back. Back to the Berg. I want to get on with my life and with school. I can’t wait for the next adventure!

I am so grateful to be grateful. I love what my trials have taught me. I love the knowledge and experiences that I’ve gained through the ups and downs of life. I love what I’ve learned from all the different people that I’ve had the pleasure to meet. Some have taught me different things about myself, while most have showed me exactly who and what I do NOT want to be. Life lessons are definitely best learned through experience. I’m so thankful that I am here to experience life! What a blessing.

 

Hearts,

me



Yo, Jacob!

I was just complaining to Angela tonight that I don't have anything to blog about. I'm fresh out of ideas. I've got nothin'. Sometimes I can be pretty thick...

This is completely ridiculous because exactly 18 years ago today, one of the most amazing people I know was born. Jacob Merrill Standage. If I have a sibling who's the most like me, it's him. (Sorry, Jacob!) We're crazy, hilarious people who care too easily and get our hearts broken too much. Seriously! We're the kind of people who will kindly give you chance after chance after chance, even though you really don't deserve one. Bless him. Jacob is quite fantastic.

Isn't he the cutest thing you ever did see! ;)

When I was going into 6th grade, my family was living in the little podunk town of Enid, Oklahoma. My dad was in the Air Force and that was where he was stationed. He was getting out of the Air Force at the time and the plan was to move the family to Mesa, Arizona where most of both sides of the extended families lived. Plans didn't go as expected so my mom ended up sending us older children, Isaac, Ben, and myself to Arizona to start school. She kept the three younger kids with her.

I had a beautiful quilt that my Grandma Standage had made me for Christmas a couple years earlier. It was a purple checkered thing. I loved it. I didn't take it with me to Arizona. Honestly, I have no idea why.

Talking to my mom after being gone for about a week, she informed me that Jacob had stolen my quilt. He missed me and had been sleeping with it ever since I left. Needless to say, I was touched. Actually, my sixth grade self was more ticked than touched. (How dare he! That's MY quilt.) Hindsight is 20/20, though. The funny thing about this story is that I never got it back. My quilt, I mean. Once the rest of the family moved out to Arizona, Jacob kept the quilt. If I remember correctly, I tried to get it back a couple of times. I was horridly unsuccessful.

To this day, he still sleeps with that quilt. I can't think of anywhere else I would rather have it be, than on his bed. It has been a constant reminder through the years how much he actually loves me... especially during these rocky teenage years. Granted, it has also helped remind me how much I love him. ;)

Yes, ladies.
He is actually this good looking.
Amen.

Jacob "Nun" Standage. Yup. He's freaken hilarious.

     


 

Jacob! Thanks for being one of the best brothers a girl could ever hope to have. Your sense of humor is priceless. You are quite good looking. You have the biggest heart. You are the most loyal guy I know. You are the brother that will beat up the guys that break my heart or make me cry. It's splendid! Those guys are all lucky that they live so far away. How blessed you are to have such a stunning, admirable, perfect older sister. Haha! I know that you will always be there for me, no matter what! Also, you get me delicious hot dogs and red cream soda from M&M. That alone is priceless!

 

Have an amazing and memorable 18th birthday! I love you so, so much. I don't know what I would ever do without you in my life. <3

 

Hearts,

me

 

P.S. Someday, I would actually like that quilt back. Just sayin'... 

Friends: The Family You Choose

It took me a long to realize that change is not a bad thing. Everybody has their own lives to live. They have their own decisions to make and their own paths to follow. People will come and go in your life. The beauty is the ones who don’t go, those friends who seem to always be there for you no matter what. I have been so blessed to have a couple people like that in my life.

Angela

 

We’ve been friends for years. It honestly feels like we’ve known each other forever. Our friendship has had rocky points because we’ve both gone through such hard trials but we’re the better for it. I call a lot of people my ‘best friend’ but not Ang. She’s in a category all her own. I don’t know what I would ever do without her. She is gorgeous, a talented writer, a fantastic artist, and has the perfect sense of humor. I hope you all have someone like her in your life, your very own ‘Angela’.  If not, you are totally missing out because you can’t have mine. ;)

Beth

(It's pathetic... I could not find a single picture of us together. I decided to use this smokin' hot picture. Lucky Brandon!)

We met our senior year of high school in French class. She’s been in my life ever since. She was the one who, for better or worse, convinced me to move to Thatcher. She is such an amazing friend. We can go weeks and weeks without taking (both our schedules are insane) but when we finally get ahold of each other it’s like no time has passed. She is so dedicated to those things that she sets her mind to! She is one of the most loyal people I know. She is beautiful, has a contagious laugh, and the kindest heart. Again, I don’t know what I would do without her. I’m so grateful that she and her little family are safe in New York!

Chelsea

(Ignore that silly boy in the picture. Oh Tanner!)

I just met this amazing woman this past year. We met my first semester up in the Berg. She was one of my roommates. I could have never gotten through that year of college without her. She is so understanding! She just gets me! We had so many talks about so many things until the early hours of the morning. She has been through her share of trials and has the most positive outlook on life of anyone I know. I can tell her anything and she always seems to understand what I’m saying and feeling. She is also one of the few people who know how to tell me I’m being silly without making me angry. Go Chelsea! She is stunning, hilarious, and the most talented girl who “plays” with flowers that I know. Seriously, you want her to do your wedding flowers. Hands down. The guy who ends up with her is going to be the LUCKIEST guy on the planet. No lies. The LUCKIEST.

There are so many other people who have been perfect lately, too. Ryan, thank you for randomly calling to tell me the Star Wars news. Jasmyne, thank you for being a cute little ball of sunshine, always! You are one of my heroes. Aaron, thanks for making work bearable by always making me laugh. Katie, thanks for being so fantastic and making it worth it to go to work every day. Deidra, thanks for being the amazing person that you are and loving me for me! I love you! Michael, thanks for listening to me talk and talk and talk. Also, thanks for making me laugh. I always need that. Sarah, thanks for missing me! I miss you and can’t wait to be back at school with you! Bryce, thank you for being you. You are hilarious. I love your sarcasm!

I hope that you all have amazing people in your life that make it bearable on the days that seem unending. <3

I Love Dandelions and My Brother... I Guess...

 

I read this and completely fell in love with it. I’ve always loved dandelions! Always. ;) Maybe that has something to do with growing up in Alaska? I lived outside in the summers up there and was always surrounded by dandelions.  When they got to the ‘wishes’ stage, I would pick them by the handful, blow, and watch the seeds float away on the wind. Just like life, it’s all about perspective. What do you see, weeds or wishes?

With that introduction, I now have a story. A story about how my weed turned into something I could have never even dreamed to wish for!

Sixteen years ago last Thursday; I was home with my brothers, Isaac, Ben, and Jacob. My mom was in the hospital having ‘the baby’. My parents never wanted to know whether they were going to have a son or a daughter until we popped out. It made it really fun for me, growing up. I never knew if I was going to get a brother or sister. Dad would come home and tell us which it was and usually what the name was, too. It took longer to name some of us, for some reason. Haha! ;)

On this particular night, I was nine. I had three younger, pesky brothers. The one thing that I had wanted more than ever, was a little sister. I had been wishing for one. Praying for one. Planning on one. I couldn’t tell you how long my mom was in labor or how long I actually waited for my dad, but I do remember that it felt like it took...

 

When my dad got home he then took his sweet time to tell us. It was a… BOY!! I lost it. I burst into tears and ran up to my room and slammed my door. (Even at that young age, I was prone to over-dramatization) . I then put ‘the note’ on the door. It is one thing that haunts me still, to this day, mainly because my mom decided to scrapbook it. ;)

 

 

I was so mad! SO MAD! “I em sleeping in the living room! Not coming out till grandma gets hear! Do not take Down! And he will not sleep in my room ever! You can bring me food! Do not take Down!”

Obviously, my spelling was fantastic.

My mom wrote, “ When Mark came home and told the kids we had another boy Tjanna stormed to her room in tears and wrote this note for her door. Later, dad discussed with them how Heavenly Father wanted this special boy to come to our family. By the time Tjanna saw him the next day she was already liking the fact that she was still the only girl in the family. (Besides mom).”

Talk about the best wish that I would have never even thought to wish for! Joseph has been the best brother I could ever ask for. He is patient. He is absolutely hilarious. He is beyond nice. He helps me when I need it. I never have to ask him twice to help me with anything. We share a passion for reading. He is my favorite book discussion buddy. I love him so, so much! I don’t know what I would ever do without him. Ever! I guess it's true, they always save the best for last.

Joseph, I hope that your 16^th birthday rocked socks. I can’t believe that you’re getting so old. I love it, though. The older you get, the closer we become! Bring on the years, my brother! Bring them on!

P.S. After reading this, my mom suggested that we print it out and scrapbook it. Amen, mom. Let's do it.

Should I really post this? Probably not...

*Disclaimer* I wrote this at about 2am this morning... take it how you will. I'm just a little ticked.

I finally understand writer’s block. It makes perfect sense to me now. I used to wonder why it would be hard for people to write about things that they wanted to write about. It’s a completely different story when you’re writing about an assigned topic. I hated English class in high school. Lucky for me, I was really good at BSing my way through my essays. Why should it be hard to write for pleasure? Yeah… I get it now. I’ve got a million and one thoughts running through my head. I don’t know what to talk about.

That’s it.

I’ve got it.

I will say the one word that is taboo for an old and single LDS girl to say… relationships. When I say that, I’m talking about all different kinds. The good kinds. The bad kinds. The friendship kinds. The best friend kinds. The love kinds. The like kinds. The family kinds. All kinds. We’ve all got a lot of them. What I’m completely baffled by is the relationships that we insist on clinging onto for dear life when they do nothing but hurt us and sap out all our energy and goodness. Why do we insist on staying in them? Or worse, when the actual relationship is over, why do we constantly pine for it and want it back? Why do we forget the bad and focus on nothing but the good, no matter how little good there was?

If there was ever a person who loved to do this, it would be me. Up until very recently, I always wanted what I didn’t have or should I say that I always wanted ‘who’ I couldn’t have. Thank heavens that after 25 years, I finally get it. Mostly. Well, at least when it comes to me.

To say that I was a hopeless romantic would be somewhat of an understatement. I used to fall for guys at the drop of hat. Anyone who knew me in high school and even up until this last summer knows what I’m talking about. Haha! I don’t really know why, to be honest. I think that it has something to do with what I consider my two biggest flaws. I am very trusting and I forgive quickly and way, way too easily. I also seem to have a thing for jerks. Go figure. Say what you will but those two characteristics have put me through more hell and heartbreak than all the rest combined, times 124,326. Trust me on that.

This year I went through a series of different relationships that, I believe, were supposed to finally show me who I really am and what I really want. Some were good, some bad. Some were changed forever. Some are still going on, long and strong. ;) One is on hold for the rest of my earthly existence. Most are absolutely fantastic but there is one that has done nothing but confuse me and one where… well, I don’t even know where to begin.

I think that is how it should be. Everybody is different. Everybody is going through and has gone through different things. No one will ever understand exactly what you’ve gone through! No one is you! (Except the Savior understands, of course, but that’s a whole different post.) Life is all about learning who you are. Sadly, the only way to do that is through trial and error. I will say, though, that messing up is the one way to learn a lesson for good. I speak from experience.

So, I think we need to just all remember that. We need to remember that other people are going through their own personal hells. We really have no idea. So, smile and be nice. Be honest. If you tell a girl that you’re going to call her, then call her. If you say you’re going to stop by and see her, stop by and see her. If you say that you’re going to be friends, be friends with her. It’s as simple as doing what you said you would do. Life is so, so hard. How much easier would it be if we were just honest? This may seem hard to some. I can and will say from personal experience that no matter how hard it is at the time or how much it hurts, it is always the best in the long run to be honest. That would’ve saved me a lot of hell growing up. If people would’ve just been honest and I could have been more honest myself, we all could’ve saved ourselves a lot of heartache. Dang. Life is hard.

Moral of my 2am blog post? Be honest, be nice, and pray that I can stop falling for the guys that don’t know how to just be honest… no matter how many all-night conversations you’ve had. Seriously.

“Yes, I am a wreck and it may hurt me to see you, but no matter. On goes the mascara. On goes the lip gloss. I’ll be the prettiest darn wreck you’ll ever see.”

My theme song right now...

Anyone want to dress up in matching leather jackets and white tshirts then go dance around a grocery store singing? I think that would do just the  trick!

 

Did I forget to mention how much I love being single? For reals. It’s just so much easier. Haha!

Hearts,

me

I am here! I am here! I am here!

It’s been awhile… life has been crazy busy. I’ve had so many different things to think about. So, so many!

First off, I’m not making very good progress on the list. It’s a tad ridiculous. That’s the beauty that every new day brings, the opportunity to start again and refocus. ;)

Some of the things that I’ve been thinking about recently are…

GenCon this weekend was epic for me. It showed me a lot I need to work on and gave me the courage to make some big, big changes! It also reminded me how much I miss this man. <3

 

A little harsh? Sure! I'm working on not feeling this way about some people at the moment...

 

Yup. It's the most frustrating thing in the whole world.

 

Things should finally start to even out now for me... maybe. We'll see. There are some big things coming up in my life and I've got some plans for this little blog of mine.

Last thing. I would like to give a shout out to three different people. My bestie, Beth. She is absolutely fantastic. She has always been there for me. We go weeks and weeks without talking and when we catch up, it's like we talked yesterday. Love her. My darling, Ryan. He can put a smile on my face regardless. He is such an amazing man! I'm so blessed to have him in my life!! I miss him like crazy! Finally, Chelsea. We met in January when we were roommates up in the Berg. I have never become closer friends, faster, with anyone. She is stunning and smart and simply perfect! I love, love, love her! She is also one of the strongest women I know. I would have never made it through my first year of college without her. What would I do without these people in my life? I haven't a clue. I'm sure glad that I don't ever have to find out. ;)

Hearts,
me