I finally understand writer’s block. It makes perfect sense
to me now. I used to wonder why it would be hard for people to write about
things that they wanted to write about. It’s a completely different story when
you’re writing about an assigned topic. I hated English class in high school.
Lucky for me, I was really good at BSing my way through my essays. Why should
it be hard to write for pleasure? Yeah… I get it now. I’ve got a million and
one thoughts running through my head. I don’t know what to talk about.
That’s it.
I’ve got it.
I will say the one word that is taboo for an old and single
LDS girl to say… relationships. When I say that, I’m talking about all
different kinds. The good kinds. The bad kinds. The friendship kinds. The best
friend kinds. The love kinds. The like kinds. The family kinds. All kinds. We’ve
all got a lot of them. What I’m completely baffled by is the relationships that
we insist on clinging onto for dear life when they do nothing but hurt us and
sap out all our energy and goodness. Why do we insist on staying in them? Or
worse, when the actual relationship is over, why do we constantly pine for it
and want it back? Why do we forget the bad and focus on nothing but the good, no
matter how little good there was?
If there was ever a person who loved to do this, it would be
me. Up until very recently, I always wanted what I didn’t have or should I say
that I always wanted ‘who’ I couldn’t have. Thank heavens that after 25 years,
I finally get it. Mostly. Well, at least when it comes to me.
To say that I was a hopeless romantic would be somewhat of
an understatement. I used to fall for guys at the drop of hat. Anyone who knew
me in high school and even up until this last summer knows what I’m talking
about. Haha! I don’t really know why, to be honest. I think that it has
something to do with what I consider my two biggest flaws. I am very trusting
and I forgive quickly and way, way too easily. I also seem to have a thing for
jerks. Go figure. Say what you will but those two characteristics have put me
through more hell and heartbreak than all the rest combined, times 124,326.
Trust me on that.
This year I went through a series of different relationships
that, I believe, were supposed to finally show me who I really am and what I
really want. Some were good, some bad. Some were changed forever. Some are
still going on, long and strong. ;) One is on hold for the rest of my earthly existence.
Most are absolutely fantastic but there is one that has done nothing but
confuse me and one where… well, I don’t even know where to begin.
I think that is how it should be. Everybody is different.
Everybody is going through and has gone through different things. No one will
ever understand exactly what you’ve gone through! No one is you! (Except the
Savior understands, of course, but that’s a whole different post.) Life is all
about learning who you are. Sadly, the only way to do that is through trial and
error. I will say, though, that messing up is the one way to learn a lesson for
good. I speak from experience.
So, I think we need to just all remember that. We need to
remember that other people are going through their own personal hells. We
really have no idea. So, smile and be nice. Be honest. If you tell a girl that you’re
going to call her, then call her. If you say you’re going to stop by and see
her, stop by and see her. If you say that you’re going to be friends, be friends
with her. It’s as simple as doing what you said you would do. Life is so, so
hard. How much easier would it be if we were just honest? This may seem hard to
some. I can and will say from personal experience that no matter how hard it is
at the time or how much it hurts, it is always the best in the long run to be
honest. That would’ve saved me a lot of hell growing up. If people would’ve
just been honest and I could have been more honest myself, we all could’ve
saved ourselves a lot of heartache. Dang. Life is hard.
Moral of my 2am blog post? Be honest, be nice, and pray that
I can stop falling for the guys that don’t know how to just be honest… no
matter how many all-night conversations you’ve had. Seriously.
“Yes, I am a wreck and it may hurt me to see you, but no
matter. On goes the mascara. On goes the lip gloss. I’ll be the prettiest darn
wreck you’ll ever see.”
My theme song right now...
Anyone want to dress up in matching leather jackets and white tshirts then go dance around a grocery store singing? I think that would do just the trick!
Did I forget to mention how much I love being single? For
reals. It’s just so much easier. Haha!
Hearts,
me
First of all before I say anything of value, may I just say how great that video was! Especially the ending, HILARIOUS! Okay now that I got that off my chest, Tjanna I seriously love you! I love this post! I love the rawness of it, the pure honesty; it is so refreshing. I know you look at me and think, really what do you know you are an Old woman with four kids, but let me tell you something Tjanna, I do know!!!!! I agree with you to an extent, we are all different so no we can not know exactly how "you" are feeling, but I can say that people can relate very closely to one another for many of us go through similar if not the same experiences. I believe God does this so that we will have people to relate to, who can understand our pain etc., whom we can lean on for support and know we are not the only one going through this type of hell. I may have gotten married young, but I understand what you're saying in this post. Before I met Uncle Joseph, I had only been in one serious relationship, if that's what you could even call it and it ended badly. This guy was the first guy who ever called me back, I was the one date wonder and I went through a period in my life where I believed there was something majorly wrong with me because no one ever called me back! How silly and wrong I was, it is the guys problem not ours! They are the dorks, not us! During this time I had a best guy friend, whom I was head over heels in love with, but he just strung me along, believing I would always be there when he was finally ready to settle down. I didn't realize this until I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt and all he could say was that he wanted to work on our friendship a little longer, can we say heartbreak! Major heartbreak, that evening I went in and poured my heart and soul out to my Father in Heaven and told him to help me move with my life if that was what I needed to do. A couple weeks later I met Uncle Joseph, and I never thought of this other guy again! Seriously! Uncle Joseph and I were a match made in heaven and 10 years later we are still happily in love. Back to the story, once this happened (Joseph and Itry meeting!) this "other guy" wanted what he couldn't have me! But it was too late. It still confused me though and for a moment I questioned if what I was doing was right and it was, but because of this guys dorkiness, I doubted and I was wrong. We should never doubt ourselves, ever! Guys are justyou confusing! Simple as that! And sometimes I don't believe they understandare themselves, so how in the world are we girls suppose to understand them? No clue! Now I am telling you this to let you know that most girls face this type of rejection. Most girls go through these types of relationships. Some go through it longer than others and some go through it their whole life, why? Don't know. But I am proud of you, for you are not letting it stop you, like it did me, when thought there was something wrong with me or when I doubted myself. Rather you are finding yourself and learning who you are. That is great! I know there is someone out there for you, it may not seem like it now, but there is and you will find one another when the time is right. Be patient with yourself and be patient with all the toads you encounter for they can't help that they are frogs! Yes you will have many more heartbreaks, but look at it this way, each one builds character! Remember this Tjanna, try to lean on others for they do understand to an extent what you are going through, also keep being honest, for life is alot easier that way! You are a great girl and you will make a guy really happy someday, it may be sooner than you think, mine was! I am not just saying that, it's the truth Tjanna. So keep on being you, for you are great! Never regret expressing yourself to the world, more people need to share their emotions. If we all did this we would all be a little kinder and more understanding of one another and the individualized hell we all go through. God bless you Tjanna
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